Really Random Rhapsodies
by Baron Hausenpheffer
Summary: My collection of songs, NOT songfics, that have been altered to fit the realities of the Ranmaverse. These are mostly humorous and never depressing or your money back. 15 songs and goin' strong! Read and review, please!
1. Help This Poor Shmuck

Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Help!" or Ranma 1/2; the Beatles and Rumiko Takahashi do, respectively.

Author Note: I'm normally not one for songfics, but I thought this particular one suited Ranma's post-Jusenkyo experiences perfectly.

------------------------------------

HELP!

You know I need some water

HELP!

Not just any water

HELP!

I need some "Spring of Drowned Man"

HEEEEEELLLLP!

---------

It was only a while back, but it seems so long ago

When Pop said "Pack your bags, boy; to China we will go"

We swam the Sea of Japan

I almost choked on water and foam

But if I'd known what was ahead

I would've stayed at home

---------

I fell into a spring at Jusenkyo

I noticed my chest had grown, I thought "_Uh oh..._"

When I opened up my gi I screamed "NOOOOOOOO!"

Won't you please, please help me?

---------

And now my life has changed in oh, so many ways

My chances of normal life have vanished in the haze

Then I found out when I got home that I had been engaged

To an uncute, tomboy chick that was always filled with rage!

---------

If I say the wrong thing, she mallets my head

Now Ryoga and the Kunos want me dead

I'm not safe whether my hair is black or red

Won't you please, please help me?!

---------

Things used to be so normal, so little to beware

Spatulas were to help you cook, Shampoo went in your hair

But now reality's changed and I fight with freaks and ghouls

Will I ever regain a normal life? Fate is so uncool!!!

---------

So help me if you can: do this little thing

Take a trip to the "Ground of Accursed Springs"

Don't fall in, be careful! But please bring

some "Drowned Man" spring water to me!

---------

HELP ME!

Help meeeeee!

Oooooo...

HELP, DO YOU HEAR ME?! HEEEEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!

THE END

_Haha! Well, that's it; I hope you liked it. Please review!_


	2. Still the One

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma or the song "Still the One". Rumiko Takahashi and Orleans do.

Author Note: I honestly think that Ranma could be happy with any of his fiancees (with the exception of Kodachi), but I have always believed he would be happiest with Ukyo. Ranma and Akane _do_ have their romantic moments, but those moments are the exception to the rule and their marriage would probably be a divorce waiting to happen. Besides, Ukyo and Ryoga have always been so unwaveringly faithful that they **deserve** the guy and girl of their dreams (Ranma and Akane, respectively). Anyway...

This song is a Ranma-fied version of "Still the One" by Orleans, sung by Ranma and Ukyo.

(**R** stands for Ranma, **U** for Ukyo, and **B** for both)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

**R:** I didn't know what Pop was up to way back when  
**U:** When you abandoned me, I never wanted to see you again  
**R:** But here we are, and after all these years  
**U:** You're still the one that drives away my tears

**R: **You're still the one - That cooks awesome food  
**U:** I love your laugh, your smile, even that attitude  
**R:** I got three other fiancees, but you're still the one

**R:** Cold water changes my physique  
**U:** I don't mind; (_Ha!_) it just makes you unique  
I know I'm a tomboy, but you always call me cute  
**R:** Who would have thought a girl could look so sexy in a suit?

**R:** Those other girls just beat me down  
But I have to smile when you're around"  
Ten years hasn't changed much, 'cause you're still the one  
**U:** No one else ever paid me mind  
But you were always there to be true and kind  
I love you Ran-chan, 'cause you're still the one

**B:** Right now, I'll settle for just being friends  
But it's you I want to wind up with in the end

**R:** You're still the girl who treats me right  
**U:** You're still the guy I dream of at night  
**B:** Ten years hasn't changed much, 'cause you're still the one

**R:** You take me off the stove when things get too hot  
**U:** You always help me out when I'm in a spot  
**B: **Ten years hasn't changed much, 'cause you're still the one  
**R:** You are still the one who hears me out  
**U:** When you smile at me, I want to jump and shout  
**B:** Ten years hasn't changed much, 'cause you're still the one

**B:** You're still the one, yeah still the one  
Ten years hasn't changed much, 'cause you're still the one

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well, that's it. I hope you folks enjoyed it, but please give me a review regardless. By the way, if you insist on flames, please do it because you didn't like the song, **not** because you didn't like the pairing.

Later!


	3. The Night Furinkan Died

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma or "The Night Chicago Died". Rumiko Takahashi and Paper Lace do.

Author Note: Okay, I really don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of this. It was just a really funny idea that came to me as I listened to you-know-what on the radio today. This is sung by Akane Tendo; here goes!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

_Happy was a perv on the west side of Tokyo  
__Down in Nerima Ward, where all the weirdos always head toward_

In the heat of a summer night  
In the land of yen coins and bills  
When the town of Furinkan died  
And they talk about it still

When a fiend named Happosai  
Got it in his mind  
That he would run around  
'Till he'd stolen every bra in town

I saw my daddy cry (_what else is new?_)  
A panda prayed the night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a raid it really was  
Brother, how insane it really was  
Glory be!

I saw my daddy cry (_what else is new?_)  
A panda prayed the night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a night the women saw  
Brother, what a fight the women saw  
Yes indeed!

All the girls wanted him dead  
But he outran everyone  
That's when Ranma said  
"I've got to stop his fun!"

There were panties in the street  
And the sound of running feet  
Then I heard a lady say  
"About 1,000 bras are MIA!"

I saw my daddy cry (_what else is new?_)  
A panda prayed the night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a raid it really was  
Brother, how insane it really was  
Glory be!

I saw my daddy cry (_what else is new?_)  
A panda prayed the night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a night the women saw  
Brother, what a fight the women saw  
Yes indeed!

And there was no sound at all  
Except when Dad would bawl  
(_Boo hoo hoo hoo!_)  
Then the door burst open wide  
And Ranma stepped inside  
An unconscious Happosai in tow  
He'd brought that pervert low!

The night Furinkan died  
(_Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na_)  
The night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a raid it really was  
Brother, how insane it really was  
Yes indeed!

The night Furinkan died  
(_Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na_)  
The night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a night the women saw  
Brother, what a fight the women saw  
Glory be!

The night Furinkan died  
(_Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na_)  
The night Furinkan died  
Brother, what a raid it really was  
Brother, how insane it really was  
Yes indeed!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I know that was dumb, but I hope you found it funny. I really got a kick out of writing this, as it allowed me to let my stupid side run rampant. Drop me a review, please!


	4. Doctor My Eyes

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma or "Doctor My Eyes". Rumiko Takahashi and Jackson Browne do.

Author Note: I know I said that this little collection would be songfic free, and (for all intents and purposes) it will be. However, this particular one need just a _little_ bit of a set-up. I'll try to keep it brief, okay? Now that that's been said, please turn off the cell phones, dispose of any crying babies, and enjoy the show!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

All was quiet at the Ono Clinic, and Dr. Tofu was taking the time off to enjoy a nice cup of hot tea. It had been a very slow day for the usually-busy chiropractor; he took a quick look at the storm raging outside and (correctly) assumed that it must be the culprit. Tofu was about to start reading a magazine when he heard someone knocking loudly, almost frantically, at his door!

_**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**_

He rushed over and opened it, allowing the visitor inside. To his suprise, it was Mr. Torugawa, an elderly man who had moved to Furinkan just yesterday. The little old fellow seemed dazed, and was desperately panting for breath. Without saying a word, he walked over to Dr. Tofu's examining table and sat down. Dr. Tofu walked over, concern written all over his face.

"Mr. Torugawa, what are you doing out in this nasty weather?" he asked. "Are you sick?"

"To tell the truth, Doctor, I was hoping that you could tell _me_ that. You see, I'm afraid that something might be terribly wrong with my eyes..."

With that, all of the lights in the room went dark with the exception of one that served as a spotlight for the old gentleman. Seventies-stlye rock music started playing, and Mr. Torugawa began to relate his strange tale...

>>>>>>>>>>

"Doctor, my eyes have served me well  
And I thought my vision was swell  
But my opinion  
Was changed just a minute ago  
This pigtailed boy was running by  
When it started raining (_my, oh, my!_)  
He turned female, chuckled, and said "Hello!"

Doctor my eyes  
Am I as blind as a bat?  
Or do some guys  
Really transform like that?

And, Doctor, that's not all  
There was this scary, ten-foot tall  
Ghostly cat  
Trying to give away a bell  
The girl was frightened as can be  
She took one wild-eyed look at me  
And we started running  
We were both scared as hell

Doctor my eyes  
Must be playing tricks on me  
I'm not telling lies  
That's what I seemed to see

Doctor my eyes  
Tell me, are they still good?  
Or is it my mind  
That's not working like it should?"

>>>>>>>>>>

By the time the old man had finished his tale, Dr. Tofu was desperately trying to keep a straight face. He walked over to Mr. Torugawa and gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

"Mr. Torugawa," he said, "there's nothing wrong with your eyes or your mind. Also, I would say that your legs must be in **great** shape. Hahaha!"

Mr. Torugawa seemed caught between confusion and amazement. "Why, then that boy really did... And there really was a... and... and..."

Dr. Tofu could see that the old man's brain was about to blow a fuse, so he handed him a cup of tea and said, "Don't worry about it. You'll get used to all of this soon enough."

Tofu raised his teacup and chuckled, "Welcome to Furinkan Town, Mr. Torugawa. Cheers!"

THE END

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well, I hope you enjoyed it! I know that many of you probably haven't heard "Doctor My Eyes" before, but I hope that you had fun with this anyway. (By the way, I'd really recommend trying "DME"; it's a mighty fine song). Toodles!


	5. Get Back

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma or "Get Back". Those would belong to Rumiko Takahashi and the Beatles. If you feel like suing me, then you can just get back, Jojo!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Poor Ryoga never knows just where he's going  
But he always seems to get there fast  
He may be a porker, but he loves Akane  
And hopes he'll win her heart at last  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, pig-boy.

Go home!

Ranma Saotome turns into a woman  
Even though he is a man  
Akane beats him up, but he knows he had it coming  
He said "You're shaped like a tin can!"  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, girly-man.

Leave now!

Sweet Akane Tendo has a dozen "boyfriends"  
She wishes they would go away  
Still, the fun they attract can really be a godsend  
The "weird old days" are here to stay  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, tomboy.

Make your exit!

Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged  
Get back, get back.  
Get back to where you once belonged

------------------------------

Woohoo! The Baron got his groove back! I misplaced my "literary mojo" for a while there, but I am now back in business and ready to write. Anyhoo...

I hope you liked this, but please send a review my way regardless. 'Till next time!


	6. Just Like A Phoenix Pill

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Just Like A Pill". Rumiko Takahashi and Pink do. If you feel like suing me, then go take your medication.

Author Note: This song focuses on the "Full-Body Cat Tongue" storyline, which happens to be a favorite of mine. It is sung by Ranma to Cologne. Enjoy!

* * *

I'm lying here in the street where you left me  
You hit me a bit too hard  
I don't wanna marry her, you understand?  
I just want to be a man 

Stay away from my pressure points  
Haven't you done enough?  
You better watch your back, ghoul  
'cuz I'm getting pretty tough  
I guess it's time to go to work again  
where you'll train me with crazy stuff  
I wanna get out of here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can  
to the nearest bathtub  
where I can scrub with hot water and  
I'll get the Phoenix Pill  
It can make me better, just like you're making me ill  
You're making me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where I collapsed  
Mousse was one bad dude  
All of the other pills, they are useless  
Only one can help

I'm not asking for a miracle  
I just want to be a guy again  
Akane says "You'll get her..."  
Would someone please tell me when?  
You knock me down one time  
I'll come back at you ten  
Man, I have to get out of here... where I can

Run just as fast as I can  
and turn into a boy  
That'll teach you not to toy with me because  
I'll have the Phoenix Pill  
It can make me better, just like you're making me ill  
You're making me ill

Run just as fast as I can  
to the nearest bathtub  
where I can scrub with hot water and  
I'll get the Phoenix Pill  
It can make me better, just like you're making me ill  
You're making me ill

I'm so sick of "jiggling"  
every time I run  
This "stuck as a girl" crap  
Isn't very fun  
There's lots of medication near me  
But I'm missing the only one  
That I need to get out of here, to help me

Run just as fast as I can  
and to hold my head high  
There'll be no more sad sighs for this dude  
Who has taken his pill  
It will make me better, just like you're making me ill  
You're making me ill

* * *

Well, that's it for this round. Once you take your pills, send me a review. May the Schwartz be with you all! 


	7. Mr P's Side

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Mr. Brightside". Rumiko Takahashi and the Killers do. This fact sometimes depresses me, but... I try to look on the bright side.

Author Note: This is a retelling of the night that Akane found and adopted P-chan. It is sung by everyone's favorite short-tempered gender-bender, Ranma Saotome.

* * *

Coming out of the bath  
And I was doing just fine  
Gotta beat that pig down  
Because he's been a jerk  
Akane gave him a kiss  
How did it end up like this?  
She says he's only a pig  
HE'S NOT ONLY A PIG!  
He rubs on her cheek  
That's when I get mad  
She says "You're just jealous,  
you dumb he-man in drag!"  
Now they're going to bed  
And it's making me sick  
Ryoga, you're dead!  
But he snuggles on her chest, now  
She slips off her dress, now  
No, NO, **NO!**

Okay, I'll admit that it's killing me  
I'm about to lose control  
Jealousy, tossing swine into the sea  
I'm watching with angry eyes  
Gagging on his alibis  
But, I swear he's gonna pay  
No way I'm feeling envy  
I let out a tired sigh...  
"She took Mr. P's side."

Instead of burning with rage  
I think I got me a plan  
To show her that's no pig  
Ha! It's really a man!  
I creep inside  
Where might that pig hide?  
He's right by her side  
BUT THEN HIS EYES OPEN WIDE!  
I tell him to hush  
Or get a fist to the face  
Ryoga doesn't listen;  
Instead, he wants to race  
I chase him around  
But somehow I slip  
I fall toward the ground  
I landed on her chest, now  
She's trying her best, now  
To murder me

I run away before she kills me  
It woke the whole household  
Jealousy, tossing swine into the sea  
I'm watching with angry eyes  
Gagging on his alibis  
But, someday he's gonna pay  
No way I'm feeling envy  
I let out a tired sigh...  
"She took Mr. P's side."

(NABIKI: "Ranma, if you're going to sneak into a girl's room, at least be quiet about it!")

**I never--**

(SOUN: "It just shows that he's a healthy lad.")

**I never--**

(KASUMI: "But you're not married; it just isn't right!")

**I never--**

**DID NUTHIN'! I'M INNOCENT, I TELL YA!

* * *

**

Heh, heh, heh! I've been wanting to try that one out for a while now. I'm pretty proud of it, but tell me what _you_ think. Come back next time, same Baron-time, same Baron-channel! 


	8. Almost

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Almost". Rumiko Takahashi and Bowling For Soup do. I _almost_ owned them, though... aw, who am I kidding? **I'm much too POOR!**

Author Note: This is yet another song I've been wanting to "Ranma-fy" for a while now. Once again, Ranma Saotome is the singer.

* * *

I almost stayed home when I was 16  
A training trip to China almost stayed a dream  
I almost said "Pop, give it a rest!"  
(If I'd done that, then I wouldn't have breasts)  
I almost went on to much better things  
Than falling into dumb cursed springs 

We almost weren't cursed  
But "almost" doesn't cut it  
I'm a girl, but worse  
Pop almost belongs in a zoo

I almost let Akane lose a fight  
Cuz I was almost too late to help her that night  
Cuz I almost kissed Shampoo (which was much worse)  
To get some "Instant Nannichaun" to cure my curse  
And I almost succeeded in staying a guy  
If Shampoo hadn't almost completely lied

And I almost got cured  
But the powder was baloney  
Almost was cured  
But my antidote was phony

She kept me going but now I'm throwing  
Her quack cure in the trash  
I almost wish I'd never heard of Shampoo!

I keep thinking about all the things I could have done  
It's casting a dark cloud that is blocking out my sun  
Had a million chances to be normal  
But I missed every one

I almost forgot this one other time  
When I almost lost to Toma really sticks in my mind  
I almost fell into a spring that woulda cured me that day  
But for Akane's sake, I had to blow it away

And I almost got cured  
But I couldn't quite do it  
Almost was cured  
But somehow I blew it

I feel like crying but I'll keep trying  
My bad luck's gotta run out soon

Almost weren't cursed...  
Almost got cured...  
Almost was cured...

The word "almost" makes me blue

* * *

Please review! (Almost reviewing doesn't cut it.) Hahaha! 


	9. Dance With Me

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Dance With Me". Those belong to Rumiko Takahashi and Orleans, respectively. Yeah, another remake of an Orleans song. I happen to like that band... so sue me! Actually, please don't (otherwise, this disclaimer serves no purpose).

Author Note: As with one of my earlier chapters, this one requires a short setup; bear with me. This is dedicated to Ryoga and Akane, probably my all-time-favorite anime couple. I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

"That jerk... I only messed up one time, and he..." 

Akane sat alone on the hardwood floor of the Tendo Dojo, sobbing softly. Furinkan High was having its big school dance in just a few days, and Akane was determined to go this time. There was just one problem: she couldn't dance. Not being one to give up easily, she read a book on the subject and tried practicing by herself. Still, the only way to truly learn how to dance is to have a dancing partner. It had taken a lot of nagging, a little begging, and a few threats, but she finally managed to persuade Ranma to help her.

Their first dance did **not** go well. Akane was so nervous that she kept missing the steps, and the scowl on Ranma's face didn't help her anxiety. When she accidentally stomped on Ranma's toes with her high-heels, he stormed out in a huff, muttering something about "a hopeless case". Without a partner to practice with, Akane realized that she would have no chance of learning to dance in time for the big event at school. Which brings us back to where we were...

However, she was not _completely_ alone. From the door, a tiny potbellied pig with sad eyes watched as his sweetheart cried. It killed Ryoga to see Akane like this... how dare that jerk make her cry? He ought to thrash him within an inch of his life! He was about to attempt just that, when the cursed porker had a much better (and nobler) idea. He quickly rushed out the door and into the house.

Meanwhile, Akane had resigned herself to the fact that she was going to be absent from yet another school dance. "_I guess there's always next year..._" she thought with a sad sigh. Suddenly, the boombox that she had been using earlier turned back on. Her surprised eyes turned upward, only to see the familiar face of Ryoga Hibiki smiling softly at her.

"Ryoga, what are you doing here?" she gasped, quickly wiping the tears from her face.

As if in answer, he held out his hand. Finally, he said, "Akane...

>>>>>>>>>>

Dance with me  
If he won't be your partner, how 'bout me?  
It would be my honor  
Wipe your tears, erase your fears, and  
Dance with me

Just trust me  
I don't care if you're a bit clumsy  
It doesn't matter to me  
I can teach you, so I beseech you:  
Dance with me

Smile, Akane; lose that frown  
We'll dance right here, with music all around  
Ranma will be sorry that he said 'no'

Oh, oh!

How could he  
Resist a partner that is so pretty?  
I'll never understand him  
He'll soon wonder if he made a blunder once you  
Dance with me

Take my hand, I'll help you off the ground  
Don't be shy; there's no one else around  
If you'd dance, it would please me so

Oh, oh!

Dance with me  
I'm nervous too, but I will try to be  
A decent partner for you  
Please say 'yes'; we'll both do our best  
Dance with me"

>>>>>>>>>>

Akane smiled warmly at Ryoga, wiped her eyes, and nodded. She took his hand... and they danced.

THE END

------------------------------------------

More or less fluff, but I thought it was sweet. Anyway, I always appreciate feedback, so don't forget to review.


	10. Akane B Good

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Johnny B. Good". Those masterpieces are owned by Rumiko Takahashi and Chuck Berry. If I had the kind of money that those two have, I would buy a house that _isn't_ made of earth and wood...

Author Note: The idea for this song came to me the other day while at work; it's amazing what driving a tractor around in endless circles can do for one's thought processes! I figured it was too good to keep to myself, so here 'tis for your viewing pleasure.

* * *

Way down in Japan near Tokyo  
In Furinkan Town where all the loonies go  
There stood an old house made of tile and wood  
Where lived a feisty girl named Akane B. Good  
She never ever learned to cook or clean so well  
But she could swing a mallet like ringing a bell

Go, go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go, Akane B. Good!

Poor Akane's life is a little strange  
She's engaged to a guy with "instant gender change"  
He/she shouts at her, "You're so uncute!  
And it's plain to see that I'm built better, to boot!"  
Akane takes crap from neither girl nor guy  
So she feeds him some humble pie

Go, go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go, Akane B. Good!

Akane's pretty normal; she likes fun and friends  
And to play with little P-chan before the day ends  
She's a really sweet girl until you get her ticked  
Insult her too much, and you're gonna get kicked  
Kasumi begged, "Please don't get in any more fights!  
Oh, Akane, be good tonight!"

Go, go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go! Go, Akane, go!  
Go, Akane B. Good!

-------------------------

Well, that's about it for this installment. Now for my little announcement...

I'm starting to run a little low on ideas for this collection, so (as of this moment) I'm taking song requests. I would ask that you pick ones with a little "lyric variety" (i.e. not saying the same thing over and over again) and would prefer non-depressing music, but I'll give everything due consideration. You have my ear, so let the suggestions roll!

Until next time, be good and review, okay? Later, folks!


	11. The Kettle Girl

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "The Flower Girl". Rumiko Takahashi and the Cowsills do.

Author Notes: This song commemorates Tatewaki Kuno's first encounter with his beloved Pigtailed Girl (a.k.a. girl-type Ranma). For those of you who haven't seen that episode, here's how it went down: Ranma had been transformed into a girl and was hiding from Kuno in a tree. Akane arrived with some hot water, but Kuno was right behind her. To buy Ranma some time, she tossed the kettle up to him and challenged everyone's favorite swordsman to a fight. Unfortunately, Akane didn't throw the kettle far enough, and Ranma had to pull some major acrobatics to catch it. S/he managed to reel it up to the tree branch just in time for Akane to fling Kuno into the air and onto the kettle. The rest, as they say, is history...

Two last things to mention:  
1. For this song, the words in parentheses represent the chorus.  
2. This is sung by our ol' pal, Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno.

Enjoy!

* * *

I saw her sitting in a tree  
Water drops falling off her  
She gently broke my fall  
with the kettle she held in her hand

And I knew (I knew, I knew, I knew)  
she could make me happy (happy, happy)  
Pigtail in her hair  
Well-built everywhere

I love the kettle girl  
Oh, I don't know just why  
She simply caught my eye  
I love the kettle girl  
She seemed so sweet and kind  
And such a cute behind...  
(Such a cute behind)

I smiled and introduced myself  
She turned and scowled at me  
She dropped the kettle  
And I crashed into the ground

But I knew (I knew, I knew, I knew)  
she was being fiesty (fiesty, fiesty)  
I couldn't help but stare  
We'd be a perfect pair

I love the kettle girl  
What a lovely sight  
She is my soul's delight  
I love the kettle girl  
I love Akane, true  
My heart has room for two  
(Room enough for two)

She hopped nimbly to the ground  
I boldly challenged her  
If she wins, I will date her  
Her heart must have leapt at the thought

But quite soon (quite soon, quite soon, quite soon)  
She had thrashed me soundly (soundly, soundly)  
As my two loves walked away  
I blessed this happy day

I love the Pigtailed Girl  
Who could this vision be?  
It's quite a mystery  
I love the Pigtailed Girl  
And Akane so  
I can let neither go  
(I'll let neither go)

I love the Pigtailed Girl  
Who could this vision be?  
It's quite a mystery...

(_fade_)

------------------------------

Heh, heh. I love writing lines for Kuno; I can relate to his pompous idiocy better than I'd like to admit. Anyway, that's it for this go-around.

By the way, a big "thank you" to my reviewers for all of your awesome suggestions! I really feel inspired by the new material; expect to see several of your requests "come to life" in the next few chapters.

In the meantime, please review. It would make me happy, happy, happy...


	12. Hawaiian's Paradise

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Gangsta's Paradise". Rumiko Takahashi and Coolio do. I would like nothing better than to forcibly take them, but even a rural gangsta such as myself has to know his limits.

Author Notes: First off, let me thank all of my reviewers for those great song ideas! I may not update this little collection often, but it's no longer for lack of inspiration. Special thanks to obsidian-fox for suggesting this one; it's a great song that I hit myself for not thinking of sooner.

Okay, enough of my rambling. You're here for the song, right? Well, here 'tis...

* * *

As I walk through the halls of Furinkan High  
I take a look at my life  
And realize it's "do or die"  
'Cause I been teachin' and fightin' so long  
That even lil' Kodachi thinks my mind is gone  
But I ain't never hit a student that didn't deserve it  
Disrespect a teacher? You know that's unheard of  
Better watch how loud you talking  
And how fast you walking  
Or you can bet you'll be cleaning up chalk

I really hate long hair, so I gotta comb  
I'll shave your dome like your parents shoulda done at home  
Fool, I'm the big kahuna the little keikis want to be like  
You can see it in their eyes  
As they hang up my tiki lights

He's been spending most his life  
Creating his personal paradise  
But the students don't think it's nice  
Living in this Hawaiian's Paradise

Let's be honest; it just plain bites  
Living in this Hawaiian's Paradise  
Principal Kuno has a grip like a vise  
Ruling over this Hawaiian's Paradise

Look at the irritation I'm always facing  
The students ain't focused; they want to party and date  
So I gotta beat down the delinquent team  
Like that Ranma Saotome; he's more than he seems  
I'm an educator, fool, with learning on my mind  
Got a ukelele in hand and a gleam in my eye  
I'm a tropical gangsta, hair-cutting banger  
I got pineapple bombs, so don't arouse my anger  
Fool, the bell ain't nothing but a heartbeat away  
Tatewaki is my boy; what can I say?  
He's 17 now; will he be this way at 18  
Or will he admit that Dad is king?

Tell me why is he so blind to see  
That the ones he hurts are you and me?

He's been spending most his life  
Creating his personal paradise  
But the students don't think it's nice  
Living in this Hawaiian's Paradise

Let's be honest; it just plain bites  
Living in this Hawaiian's Paradise  
Principal Kuno has a grip like a vise  
Ruling over this Hawaiian's Paradise

Shirt and the shades, shades and the shirt  
Short hours of playtime, long minutes of work  
Everybody's fighting, but half of them ain't looking  
What's going on in the office  
Who knows what plans I'm cooking?  
I know they gotta learn  
But nobody's here to teach them  
If they can't appreciate me, I guess I'll have to beat them  
I will not quit  
I will not split  
My fuse is lit  
If they don't like it, then they are out of luck, foo!

He's been spending most his life  
Creating his personal paradise  
But the students don't think it's nice  
Living in this Hawaiian's Paradise

Let's be honest; it just plain bites  
Living in this Hawaiian's Paradise  
Principal Kuno has a grip like a vise  
Ruling over this Hawaiian's Paradise

Tell me why does he decline to be  
good to those outside his family tree?

Tell me why is he so blind to see  
That the ones he hurts are you and me?

------------------------------

Dat's it, keikis. Me be wishin' you to be sendin' de reviews, so click dat button below...


	13. Help Me, Ranma

Disclaimer: I own neither Ranma 1/2 nor "Help Me, Rhonda". You-know-who and the Beach Boys do. I don't... boo hoo!

Author Note: Okay, this one is going to be fairly short. Kita1 requested a Beach Boys song, which is a little hard since their lyrics (while nice) tend to be really repetitive. I lengthened this by a verse in order to complete the "story behind the song", as it were. Anyway, here 'tis, and I hope she (and everyone else) likes it.

Who sings this should be pretty obvious, but I'll give you a hint: he has a pigtail and never goes swimming without a shirt.

-----------------

I came in late at night and found Happosai in my bed  
He throws a bucket; cold water lands on my head

He said, "Ranma, you look so fine  
Be a good student and take the time  
Come here and help me, Ranma  
Help me get her out of my heart!

Help me Ranma  
Help, help me Ranma  
(_repeated 5 times_)  
Help me Ranma, yeah  
Get her out of my heart!

Akane wouldn't lend me her bosom  
On which to have a good cry  
(Oh, Akane!)  
With tears in my eyes  
I looked up and asked her why  
(Waaah! So mean!)

And since I couldn't find Shampoo  
Ranma, you'll have to do  
Come here and help me, Ranma  
Help me get her out of my heart!

Help me Ranma  
Help, help me Ranma  
(_repeated 5 times_)  
Help me Ranma, yeah  
Get her out of my heart!"

I looked down at him  
With murder in my eyes  
I screamed, "You little perv!  
In case you forgot, I'm a guy!

You can try your best  
But you ain't gettin' **near** this chest  
'Cause I'm gonna kill you, Happy  
**Die, you nasty old fart!**"

(And he yelled)  
"Help me, Genma  
Save me from Ranma  
(_repeated 5 times as Ranma chases him around the house_)  
Save me Genma, **PLEASE  
****HE'S GONNA RIP OUT MY HEART**!"

"_Ow! Leggo, Ranma! No, not the neck! OOOOOWWWWW!_"

---------------------------------------------

Thus, the freak was defeated and everyone got a good night's sleep. The end!

I hope you liked it, but leave a review regardless, please. That's the only way I'll know what I'm doing right and what I need to improve on. Heh, heh._ Help this writer, help help this writer..._


	14. Story of a Girl

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)". They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and Nine Days. I loves 'em both, though.

Author Notes: It recently occurred to me that I've been a real broken record with the "Ranma-Ukyo" and "Ryoga-Akane" thing. I want to take a moment to point out that I'm just a fan (not a fanatic) of those couples. Good ol' "Ranma-Akane" runs a close second in my book, and I thought I would include a song with that bias for variety's sake.

So, I took one of my favorite songs, rewrote the words, and what do I got? Bippity, boppity... this.

---------------------

This is the story of a girl  
The biggest tomboy in the whole world  
And while she knocks me high into the sky  
She is kinda cute  
When she smiles

How long have we been engaged?  
Love shoulda grown, but she only shows rage  
Yeah, I can be insincere  
I flirt with Shampoo, but it's never for real  
She doesn't take it kindly  
My face soon connects with the soles of her shoes  
I'm feel confused when she's near  
With these beautiful girls, it's so hard to choose

My clothes never fit whenever I'm wet  
The Gambling King loves to bet  
What part of "NO!" doesn't Kodachi get?

This is the story of a girl  
The biggest tomboy in the whole world  
And while she knocks me high into the sky  
I almost kinda like her  
When she smiles

I don't know why I stay  
We keep on fighting day after day  
How did we wind up this way?  
"Get married soon!" our dads always say  
I guess I'll stay here waitin'  
Trying to make up my mind and cure my curse  
I notice she's smiling today  
Maybe things will get better before they get worse

Nabiki's always cooking up a new deal  
The freak is looking for undies to steal  
Why is it so hard to say what I feel?

This is the story of a girl  
The biggest tomboy in the whole world  
And while she knocks me high into the sky  
I might even love her  
When she smiles

Never drink potions made by Shampoo  
I get beaten up for stuff that I didn't do  
I can't count on much, but at least I can count on you

This is the story of a girl  
The biggest tomboy in the whole world  
And while she knocks me high into the sky  
She is kinda cute

This is the story of a girl  
Whose pretty face brightens the world  
And while she knocks me high into the sky  
I almost kinda like her

This is the story of a girl  
The biggest tomboy in the whole world  
And while she acts so bad when she gets mad  
I might even love her

When she smiles

When she smiles

--------------------------------------------

That's that. This represents what is probably the last of my "love songs". I'll spare you the song, but I don't wanna be "Waffy No More", if you get my drift. I think I do a _decent_ job with romantic stuff, but comedy is honestly more my forte. If anyone REALLY wants a specific romantic tune, however, I might see what I can do.

Anyhoo, enough of my yammering. Review, purty please!


	15. Love Games

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or the song "Wordplay". Rumiko Takahashi and Jason Mraz do. Such an awesome song...

Author Note: As anyone who has heard it knows, this song is really, REALLY fast, so please bear with me. I _think_ I have the words matched pretty well, but I want you be the judge. The singer here is Ranma Saotome; enjoy!

* * *

I've trained all around the world  
A kung-fu sensation  
My problems caused by Pop  
and his g-generation  
But you know love is the hardest battle  
Sadly, that ain't my scene  
'Cause I gotta deal with  
A girl named Shampoo  
Ukyo, she wants me too  
Akane's temper makes me blue  
Fear her evil wrath!  
None wants to share or listen to reason  
Been trying to deal with them for seven seasons  
So I drop my top  
For the bath scene  
I wonder if things'll get obscene? I hope "no"! 

Ha La La La La  
Being a ladies' man doesn't pay  
Ha La La La La  
It's all about the love games  
Ha La La La Love  
The wonderful thing it does  
Because, because  
They call me "Ranma-honey", "Sweetums", and "Airen"  
Yeah, the Mr. He-to-She  
They say I'm all about the love games

You know cold water is the remedy  
That'll help you all remember me  
Now let me introduce you to my style  
My relationships are jumbled  
And my rivals growl and mumble  
While these girls carry me off hog-tied  
'Cause I gotta deal with  
A girl named Shampoo  
Ukyo, she wants me too  
Akane's temper makes me blue  
Fear her evil wrath!  
In martial arts don't write me off; I'm a real wonder  
But every time I speak, it seems I make a blunder  
I have "foot-in-mouth"  
Too much attention!  
Some days I wish I'd never even mentioned  
The love games

Ha La La La La  
How'd my life end up this way?  
Ha La La La La  
It's all about the love games  
Ha La La La Love  
The wonderful thing it does  
Because, because  
They call me "Ranma-honey", "Sweetums", and "Airen"  
Yeah, the Mr. He-to-She  
They say I'm all about the love games

I wish I knew who I'd end up with; my love  
It always seems to be a flowin'  
But I don't know quite where my heart is goin'  
Oh, the stomping and the glomping  
All these loonies really want me  
And they're squeezing  
Till I'm running out of air  
All this dumb confusion caused by simply getting wet  
I doubt they've been listening to a single word I've said

Ha La La La La  
They never listen to a word I say  
Ha La La La La  
But I'll keep sticking with the love games  
Ha La La La Love  
The wonderful thing it does  
Because, because  
They call me "Ranma-honey", "Sweetums", and "Airen"  
Yeah, I'm Mr. He-to-She  
You know I'm all about the love games

Ha La La La La  
Someday I'll solve these love games  
Ha La La La La  
Stickin' with the love games  
Ha La La La Love  
I love the wonderful thing it does  
Because, because  
Eventually I know I'll find out which one I really love  
For the Mr. He-to-She they say  
Is all about the love games

------------------------------------------------

Whew! This is definitely one of my more ambitious attempts at songswitchery (I hereby copyright that word), and I hope it meets your approval. I suppose there's only one way to find out, though.

You know the drill; the lil' button on the bottom left awaits. Come on back now, y'hear?


	16. South Side

Disclaimer: I own neither Ranma 1/2 nor the song "South Side". Rumiko Takahashi and Moby do, respectively.

Author Note: Well, here I am again. It's been quite a while since my last update, hasn't it? Trust me when I say I wish I could have updated sooner, but life (as it so often does) got in the way.

I'm going more for "cool" than funny with this one. I had this mental image of Ranma staring out the window on a rainy evening and deciding to go out and have some fun. This song came to mind, and the rewrite was finished before I knew it. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

See myself in the Tendo home  
See myself going out the door  
Find myself in the pouring rain  
Feel the change coming over me

Here I am now going to the east side  
Shampoo's on her bike, so we go for a ride  
Ride all night; yeah, we ride all day  
Eat Chinese food and don't have to pay

Here I am at Ucchan's place  
She puts a big smile on my face  
She puts a little smooch on my cheek  
Now the weather don't seem so bleak

Here I am now going to the west side  
Find Ryoga there, and we get in a fight  
The pig-man vows to make me pay  
but I kick his butt anyway

(I am)  
Yin and yang mixed into one man  
Hey, Ranma, Ranma

Here I am now going to the north side  
I pass Kuno's house and hope I won't die  
Old "Blue Thunder" and his sister dear  
Those warped siblings inspire my fear

Here I am now returning to the south side  
Akane's at the door with a smile so wide  
I return the grin; though my life can be hell  
Come back and I feel so well

------------------------------------------

Be ye from the south, north, east, or west side, I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to leave a review, please! (After all, how could I manage quality control without you?)


	17. Ranma Didn't Start the Fire

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "We Didn't Start the Fire". Rumiko Takahashi and Billy Joel do, those lucky dogs...

Author Note: Well, I'm back again. Sorry for the long drought, but college and lack of inspiration (okay, mostly college) double-whammied me for a while there. Hopefully this, my most ambitious songswitch yet, will make up for it.

For those who didn't know, "We Didn't Start the Fire" is a song that managed to cover all of the major events that happened in the 1950's and quite a bit afterward. _My_ version covers the first season and a half of Ranma 1/2, plus a few milestones after that. Enjoy!

* * *

Rainy day, Ranma came  
Akane's happy; he's a dame  
She walks in and he sees her  
Completely in the buff  
Lots of shouting; explanations  
Very angry conversations  
There's another awkward scene  
Where they see each other's stuff 

Blue Thunder Kuno  
Is brought to ruin? Oh!  
The pigtailed girl is under  
Saotome's evil spell  
High school survival  
Ranma's got a rival  
Ryoga's here; his peaceful life  
Is completely shot to hell

Ranma didn't start the fire  
Now his world is spinning  
But he keeps on winning  
He didn't start the fire  
No he didn't light it  
But he's trying to fight it

Ranma tries bribes with bread  
But Ryoga just wants him dead  
Akane's hair and the fight  
Both get cut short  
We learn more of Ryoga's grudge  
Why that hothead wouldn't budge  
Akane gets a new pet  
that is all pork

Kuno's sister now appears  
Rousing everybody's fears  
Kodachi plays to win  
But she's such a retard  
Akane gets hurt when she falls  
Let's hope Ranma has the balls  
To take her place, but it's hard  
Wearing a pink leotard

Ranma didn't start the fire  
Now his world is spinning  
But he keeps on winning  
He didn't start the fire  
No he didn't light it  
But he's trying to fight it

Tofu's momma is just nuts  
Measuring the girls' butts  
Sees Ranma; loudly quips  
"Now **SHE** has some birthin' hips!"  
They all try to talk sense  
Mama Tofu's just plain dense  
Until Kasumi, like a dove,  
Shows her the strength of love

Shampoo shows up  
Romantic tension goes up  
She wants female Ranma dead  
In danger when her hair is red  
She's in love with boy-side  
To ditch her, Ranma lied  
Poor dude almost lost his head  
"Farewell" was all she said

Ranma didn't start the fire  
Now his world is spinning  
But he keeps on winning  
He didn't start the fire  
No he didn't light it  
But he's trying to fight it

Back to Jusenkyo?  
Dad says "No, no!"  
Flashbacks look back  
To episodes gone by  
Here comes the Golden Pair  
Ranma has a kissing scare  
Gets smootched by a guy  
Sanzenin is gonna die  
In the fight there's stunt grabs  
Lil' Azusa backstabs  
Ice chunks blown away  
What else do I have to say?

Ranma didn't start the fire  
Now his world is spinning  
But he keeps on winning  
He didn't start the fire  
No he didn't light it  
But he's trying to fight it

Sasuke the ninja-man  
Shampoo is back again  
Cologne comes in the mail  
Ranma gets stuck female  
Learning burning chestnut fist  
Phoenix Pill can't be missed  
Final showdown with the ghoul  
Ranma proves that he/she rules!

Mousse, Shampoo's professed guy  
Crazy pervert Happosai  
Ukyo hun, "the cute one"  
Gosunkugi ain't much fun  
All these nuts and many more  
Are packed inside this one show  
Ranma runs out the door  
"I can't take it anymore!"

Ranma didn't start the fire  
Now his head is spinning  
But he keeps on grinning  
He didn't start the fire  
Like Nabiki's cons  
It will still go on, and on, and on, and on...

Ranma didn't start the fire  
Now his world is spinning  
But he keeps on winning  
He didn't start the fire  
No he didn't light it  
But he's trying to fight it  
(_repeat until fade_)

----------------------

(_gasping for breath_) Holy crud, what a mouthful! I sing along with these things before I post them to make sure they sound all right, y'know? Whew...

Anyhoo, I hope you liked it. Let me know with a review, purty please!


	18. Cupid's Death Grip

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or "Cupid's Chokehold". Rumiko Takahashi and Gym Class Heroes have the rights to those securely in a legal chokehold.

Author Note: Wow! It's been forever since I've updated this collection. I haven't had any song inspirations for quite a while, but this song was so well-suited to Ranmafication that I couldn't resist taking a whack at it.

As you can see, this song has a short framing story. Hope you like it; enjoy!

* * *

The second she heard the phone ring, Nodoka Saotome leapt up from the table and ran as fast as her legs would carry her to answer it.

Her long-lost son, Ranma, had given her a call four days ago; it was the first time she'd heard his voice since he was six years old. After a lot of tearful greetings, "I love you!"s, and other things typical of a mother-son reunion after so long an absence, Nodoka proceeded to ask him about what all he had done and seen since he left with her husband, Genma, all those years ago. Although he seemed a little guarded when it came to a few odd subjects, he was very open in most respects. He also began to tell her about what was going on in his life now, although his memory seemed curiously fuzzy about geographical details and place names. He had told her about meeting the Tendos and a little about his rivals in the martial arts when the battery in his phone started to die. Before it ran out, Ranma promised to call again soon and tell her more about his life these days, particularly his romantic life, which he jokingly called a "love octagon." Before his confused mother could ask him what that meant, the phone had gone dead.

Now, back in the present, she eagerly picked up the receiver and asked, "Hello? Ranma, sweetie, is that you?"

------------------

Ba ba da da  
Ba ba da da  
Ba ba da da  
Ba ba da da  
Ba ba da da

Take a look at my girlfriends  
They're the only ones I've got (ba ba da da)  
Way too many girlfriends  
I always seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Hey, how are you, Momma?  
Yeah, you guessed right; this is Ranma  
I've grown up to be quite a man  
You should see all of my girl-frands

And I know it may not sound hip  
But Cupid got me in a death-grip  
I've fallen for this brunette  
Who's as sweet and cute as it can get (ba ba da da)

Ukyo cooks me okonomyaki  
And helps me wash it down with sake  
If that ain't love then I don't know what love is

We've been buddies since we was children  
And we've stayed real close since then  
She's just one girl but to me she means the world  
And looks so hot when that chest wrap's unfurled

(ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Take a look at my girlfriends  
They're the only ones I've got (ba ba da da)  
Way too many girlfriends  
I always seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Take a look at my girlfriends  
They're the only ones I've got (ba ba da da)  
Way too many girlfriends  
I always seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

It's been a while since we talked last, and Mom, I'm trying not to talk fast  
But I forgot to say I got engaged to another one  
A real cute girl that'd make you way proud of your son

I know you heard the last song, and that thing with Ukyo's still going on  
But I promise this girl really likes me too  
You'd see what I mean if you met Shampoo (ba ba da da)

She always brings me tasty take-out  
And then she forces me to make out  
If that ain't love then I don't know what love is (ba ba da da)

At first she wanted to kill me but nowadays she just tries to thrill me  
And I open the door, walk in the bath, and throw my clothes on the floor  
She'll pop out of the tub once more for sure like

(_Sounds of Ranma screaming in shock_)

Take a look at my girlfriends  
They're the only ones I've got (ba ba da da)  
Way too many girlfriends  
I always seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

But Akane's smile would make the most senile  
Perverted old man bite his tongue  
I'm not done  
Her beautiful eyes gleam like sunrise  
And short black hair  
Cute, I swear...  
She's free like the wind, can be sweet now and again  
And for a girl, she's so damned strong  
But moving on...  
She's got the cutest laugh I've ever heard  
And sometimes we train for three hours  
Not sayin' one word

And you know they all mean so much to me  
When I'm with them I start blushing like Tofu with Kasumi  
Call it fate, call it luck, call it love, or whatever you call it but  
Everywhere I go I keep their pictures in my wallet like here

Take a look at my girlfriends  
They're the only ones I've got (ba ba da da)  
Way too many girlfriends  
I always seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Take a look at my girlfriends  
They're the only ones I've got (ba ba da da)  
Way too many girlfriends  
I always seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

------------------

Nodoka's brow knit in disapproval. She scolded, "Ranma, I'm very disappointed in you. Your father and I didn't raise you to become a Casanova!"

Ranma quickly replied, "B-but Mom, it's not like that, really. I keep stumbling across these girls by accident, and besides, they're all coming on to me, not the other way around."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Nodoka said, "Well then, that's a different story. I mean, if you aren't being perverted and they're just being attracted by your manly good looks, I guess there's not much you can do about it. Just be sure to be a gentleman to all of them, and don't take it too far, okay?"

"Okay, I--"

His sentence was cut off by something, and Nodoka heard sounds of splashing, a tin bucket hitting the floor, and lots of shouting. Suddenly, a girlish voice shouted, "Stupid old man! This is no time for practical jokes! Do you know who's on the other line?!"

Concerned by all of the commotion, Nodoka shouted, "Ranma! Ranma! Are you still there? What's going on? Who's that girl?"

There was a gasp on the other line that sounded like someone had just had their death sentence read. The female voice from a moment ago stammered, "Er... um... y-you must b-be Ranma's mom! I'm his girlfriend, Ra... Ran! That's right, Ran! And we've got a horrible mess over here, so we have to let you go so we can clean it up. By the way, your son is the greatest; a real manly-man. Well, gotta go! See you! Love you! Bye!"

With that, there was a click on the other end, shortly followed by a dial tone. Nokoda held the phone to her heart and wept tears of joy.

"Oh, Ranma... you must have grown into such a handsome and charming man! I'm so proud!"

THE END

-------------------------------------------

Well, that's that. This one was really fun from my author's standpoint, and I hope you had a blast reading it, too. Send a review my way, if you don't mind!


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